I Hope
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: After realizing that no one ever liked him, he became very, very bitter. Life sucks.


A/N: Da ne!! Yes, this fic's star is Yanagisawa! And no, he's not the comic relief! I don't know if even I can take the poor boy seriously, but I'm really going to try, just this once...just to see if I can do it!

I'm pretty sure that most people always expected me to end up at a dead-end job. They were right. After I finished high school, I decided to get a job right away, and forget about continuing my education. I couldn't afford it, anyway. I still can't. I mean, I flip burgers for a living, how the hell am I supposed to afford school? My parents certainly won't pay for it, since they don't speak to me anymore. Not that I care much, since I never speak to them, either. I can't remember when it was that we first started to hate each other, and I don't want to, either. 

I don't have many fond memories of anything, actually. Even my junior high days seem like a big joke, now. Back then, I thought I was all-knowing, all-important, and that people worshipped me for my good looks and even better tennis skills. I expected girls to fall at my feet. It didn't even register that they were all laughing at me. Laughing at my attitude, laughing at my looks (the lips, especially)...laughing at my tennis skills, even. I mean, I wasn't bad, but I wasn't exactly as good as I thought I was. Mizuki helped me cheat, that was all, really.

Once high school came along, things were a little different. I didn't gain a regular spot on the tennis team. After a while, I gave up on tennis altogether. I came to the realization that I just wasn't good enough, and that I never would be. It was a big blow to my ego, but I still thought that everything would be all right. I would find something else that I was good at, and show off some other way.

Only...I wasn't all that great at anything. Just average, really. I got by in school, with average marks, average...average everything. I still thought it would be okay, I mean, there are a lot of average people out there who make it somewhere. 

After quitting the tennis team, though, I started to lose track of my junior high friends. They were all on the tennis team still, and didn't have much time for anything outside of that. They didn't see me every day anymore, and they forgot about my existence. 

I don't know when exactly it was that I realized that no one ever liked me, but when I did, it really stung. They forgot about me because they hadn't cared about me in the first place. When I was one of them, I was annoying but tolerable; when I was no longer one of them...who gave a damn?

When high school finished, I was seriously depressed. The ego was gone and replaced with a longing for friendship that I knew I would never have.

I'm still lonely now. Flipping burgers is not very exciting. I don't even bother trying to befriend anyone at work. I'm sure that I'm a lot less annoying than I used to be, since I gave up the whole "da ne" thing, and the ego is deflated, but...why should I bother? No one will like me, anyway. No one ever did.

~~~~~

It's cold outside. My car broke down (again) so I have to walk home. It's not all that far anyway, so I don't know why I bother with a car in the first place. I can't really afford it. I guess it's because that car's been my constant companion for a couple of years now. He's my pillar of support. I think I should give him a name, since he's the only person who's ever there for me.

Even he has failed me, though. I don't think I'll give him a name, after all. 

Damn, I hate the cold. I hate winter. Actually, I hate heat, too, and summer...and spring is messy, and fall is when the weather starts to get chilly. All four seasons are equally miserable. Why do I keep going? I'm not sure, I just do.

Someone has to flip those burgers. There are millions of people who eat them every day. I'm doing the world a great service...

Yeah, right. The job could just as easily go to some teenager who's trying to save up a buy a car. A car that would work a hell of a lot better than my junk heap. A teenager with a big ego, and bigger lips.

Someone just like me, who's getting along better than I ever did, because he has real friends who don't abandon him.

Ah, who cares if it's cold. It doesn't matter, anyway.

~~~~~

I haven't become an alcoholic, though I suspect that if I ever picked up a bottle, it would have bad results. I don't want to be an alcoholic, it's too expensive. I can't even afford a proper dinner most of the time.

Tonight, it's frozen...something. I don't know what it is, it's kind of grey. My microwave is broken, so I can't even have it warm. 

This is a pathetic existence, but it keeps on going. I keep on trying to pay the bills, even though I'd much rather crawl into a hole and die.

The phone is ringing.

"Yeah, this is Yanagisawa."

It's my boss. He's very sorry, but there are not enough hours left at work. He has to let me go.

This isn't the first time. I don't feel the sting anymore. I'll find another burger place that's desperate for someone, even a loser like me.

I wish I could afford a TV so I could drown in soap operas, but a TV would really set me back. I'll have to settle for stealing newspapers from coffee shops, and drowning myself in real life.

It sucks, really, because real life is depressing.

~~~~~

I've never encountered a familiar face before. I thought that all ties from my past were severed, but I guess there's still a few people knocking around. Not everyone has moved away somewhere glamorous, I guess.

"Yanagisawa?"

The familiar face blinks at me. Is he actually surprised to see me here? Isn't this the perfect profession for someone like me?

"Can I take your order?" I ask. I don't like his gaze on me. The gaze of someone I always thought of as my friend, who was probably laughing about me behind my back, with someone else I thought of as a friend.

"Is it you?" he asks.

"Can I take your order?" I ask again. I don't feel like telling him whether it's me or not, because I don't even know. I'm not the same Yanagisawa Shinya that went to St Rudolph way back when, that's for sure. It's only been five years since high school ended, but it feels like an eternity. An eternity of nothing.

He's still blinking at me. Maybe he's changed his mind about ordering. 

"It is you, isn't it?"

I sigh. "Yes, it's me."

"You look different."

"It's the hat," I say. The stupid hat I'm forced to wear every day at my new burger-flipping job. Looks a lot like the hats I've worn at every other burger-flipping job I've had.

"No, you look...tired," he says.

"Well, thanks a lot."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean --"

"Do you want to order?" I ask.

He finally orders. "You know, it's been years. Would you like to get together for coffee, and talk about old times?" he asks.

Old times. That's a joke. Still, I really have nothing better to do, and it would be nice to have company. Even if that company is someone who never liked me at all.

"Yeah, why not," I say. He tells me a time and place, takes his order to go, and I watch him walk away.

He was probably only being polite. I bet he won't show up at that coffee shop tomorrow. 

I used to think of Kisarazu Atsushi as my best friend, but I never really had any friends, did I?

~~~~~

"I didn't really see you much after you quit the tennis team," Kisarazu says, stirring some sugar into his coffee. I don't like sugar in my coffee. It's mean to be bitter -- like I am. Coffee and I get along well. 

I shrug. "I didn't see much of anyone after I quit the tennis team."

"Why did you quit?"

"I sucked."

Kisarazu blinks. He's not used to hearing that from me. He never talked to me after my attitude started changing.

What is there left to say? Nothing, really. Why did he even show up for this coffee anyway?

I know why I showed up. I'm so lonely that I'll risk reopening old wounds just to have company.

"Yanagisawa..."

"What?"

"You've changed."

"It's been years, after all. Of course I've changed."

"You seem very...bitter," he says. 

I laugh. Bitter? What does he know about bitter? He's just finished telling me all about his great job that has great pay, and he probably has a great apartment and great friends, and a great lover, and everything in his life is perfect, so what the hell does he know about bitter?

"Of course I'm bitter," I say. "Life sucks. I work at whatever burger joint will hire me, I can hardly afford the rent of my apartment, and my best friend is a car that broke down a couple of weeks ago. I can't even afford to get it repaired."

Kisarazu has an almost pitying look on his face. I'm sure he doesn't care, but it's nice that he's trying to _look_ like he cares.

"What happened to you?" he asks. "You used to be so..."

"What happened to me? Life happened. I figured out that no one gave a damn, so I stopped giving a damn," I say.

He looks surprised. "What do you mean?"

I shake my head. "You all laughed about me behind my back. I was an annoying little brat, and I know it. No one ever liked me, and I doubt if anyone ever will like me. I've given up caring."

"You really _were_ an annoying little brat, but I liked you," Kisarazu says, surprising the hell out of me.

Does he really mean that?

"Did you?" I ask, doubtfully.

"Yes. You were my friend, no matter what kind of annoying habits you had. There were good things about you, too, like your optimism. Where did that go?"

"Down the crapper," I say. "Why did you invite me out for coffee?"

"I just wanted to talk to you again. It's been a long time," he says. "Sometimes, I remember things from junior high, and I always wondered what happened to you."

"Then why did you stop talking to me in high school?" I ask. Ah, maybe I shouldn't have said that. I don't want him to get pissed off at me, since he's being so very nice, but...I've been so angry, and so _lonely_ all this time.

"I didn't mean to stop talking to you, but when you quit the team, I never really saw you. We didn't have any classes together or anything."

"You could have made an effort."

"So could you."

Well, he has a point there. Maybe all my bitterness is partly my fault. Well, of course it is, since it's _my_ life after all, but still...

"I've been lonely," I admit. "Life sucks." I sigh. I feel very close to tears. It's been a long time since I actually cried. Grown men don't cry, right? (That's a laugh. I cry, just not when anyone can see me.)

"Haven't you tried to make friends?"

"I lost hope on that," I reply. "Like I said, I stopped caring."

"If you really stopped caring, you wouldn't be lonely."

"Since when do you know so much?" This is annoying. How does he _know_ so much about how I'm feeling? I don't even understand it myself. Maybe it takes someone on the outside to untangle the mess. I've wanted someone on the outside to care for _so_ long.

"You know, I just moved back to the neighbourhood, so we can get together more often, if you'd like," Kisarazu says. 

"Really?" I sound pretty pathetic, but I also feel pretty pathetic at the moment.

"Really," he says.

Maybe life doesn't suck so much, after all. I'll have to see. I'm not going to stop being bitter just like that, but...It might help to have someone who cares.

I've been wanting someone to care for a long time, since I've stopped caring about myself. Maybe I can gain back some of that ego that kept me going, once upon a time.

"Good," I say. "I could use someone to complain to."

He laughs. I smile.

I hope.

~~~~~


End file.
